an Old poem I wanted to share

In anger I curse and fight against the Pure protection of my Heavenly Father,
I fight back and pull away, I allow myself to fall into sin.
When at last i see the pathetic state that I have put myself in I cry out to His mercy.
Again and again I fall into this place of separation. Why do I let myself walk this road of death?
if I could grasp the Call on my life, if I could see what awaits my obedience,
but i can, I have seen a glimpse of What my Christ has set apart for me to do.
Others.. on one side, Awaiting my obedience... and in my selfish moment I still fall
How many times will My father keep picking me back up? I wish to tell him, I am not worthy!!
I wish I could say, don't pick me up again, I do not deserve your love...
But I know that I am called. I know that I am chosen.
What can I do, what can I say to prove my worth, in this unworthy state?
Again and again, I seek His mercy and Grace,
to lift me from the ashes, the cleanse me from this unholy place.
I wish to say I will not fail, but the words never proceed out of my mouth for fear of not holding my own commitment
I dare not make a promise I might not keep. but it holds me back. Have I done as you have asked my Father?
Did I go when you sent me? sometimes it all seems unclear.
the fog is still holding me back from seeing as I wish. is it really all white and black?
I feel like i live in the gray, somewhere between where I'm meant to be, and where I was.
hope doesn't pull me along as i had wanted.
Joy only holds for a time.
Peace is around me, but I still feel immobilized.
Fear? is that what holds me back? is that why I fail? is that what keeps me down?
if I were fearless I'd fight and win. I'd jump in the icy waters of death to save the lost from their selves
If I were fearless.... Would i know when to stop? would I still sense the pain and sufferings, and their own fears
Would I have compassion for the wounded in my path? or would my fearlessness run them over?
I search so much, and see riddles unexplained. Can I trust a single man to tell me these things?
for what is man? who is perfect? who has the mind of God, Who knows the words of which he spoke before time began?
Can you say your sight into His riddles are un clouded? or do you mask the fog just as I do?
is it fear that clouds my perception? ... one day I'll see His perfect Will... and now I seek again the hand of my father!!!

Daniels and Elijahs part 1

I've been meaning to write this for a while, so I'm excited to share this one with you. When people think of Daniel, I'm guessing their first thought is: Daniel in the Lions Den. But I'm putting Daniel and Elijah side by side today in specific things they did that changed the course of History! They both were amazing men of God, but in this particular study that I did, I did my best to not put these men on a pedestal. I wanted to look at their stories and learn from them. So what I looked at was in 1 kings 18. In this story Ahab was king and a really evil on, in the Bible it said that he had no regard for his wickedness. He sacrificed his own son. It wasn't a big deal to him, so God brought judgement and caused a famine. God still provided for Elijah though.
With Daniel, The Isrealites were in captivity to the egyptians, again this was a judgement for their outright disobedience. Both of these men are God fearing men, BUT they are polar oppisites!! One seems to be very sure of himself, and sure of God. (Elijah) he will say something and not question, he talks like he knows everything... and he was very boastful in God.
Daniel however appears almost weak. He gets visions and becomes so faint he can't even stand. He talks with God with his face almost stuck to the ground. Elijah however would raise his hands to God telling God what he expected God to do (ok, that's what it sounds like)
But in the story of Elijah, during the drought he was told to show himself to the king who had been seeking to kill all of the prophets! So eventually elijah does show himself and tells this king that its his fault for this famine. ... it doesn't sound like he was scared of him at all! Id be shakin in my boots right about then!
Anyways so he gets all of isreal and all the prophets of Baal together and tells them that they need to repent. Turn to back God, cut it out.That's step one:repent!!

Then he gathers some four hundred or so of Baals prophets and tells them to build an alter to their god while Elijah does the same. That's Step two:building an alter to God, which today, Jesus was the sacrifice for our sins.

Then Elijah after making the alter and soaking it in water prayed for everyones hearts to turn back to God. There you have step three praying for hearts to turn back to God.

After he prayed that, God showed off, (that's so awesome when God does that,I love it!) And completely engulfs the soaking wet alter! Yea! Even the stones and dust were gone. Hah! Take that! Lol. So then everyone is really scared now, and fall on their faces,repenting.

Next elijah has every prophet of baal killed. And that is our fourth step: get rid of the evil in your life. (Don't kill anyone) I'm saying, get that devil off your back, the blood of Jesus covers you and has set you free! you have the authority in Jesus' name.

Next Elijah tells king Ahab to go celebrate and have a feast. A what? We've been in a drought for how long?? And u want me to use what I have to throw a party?? Yes a feast, and go quickly before the rain over takes you. Rain?? What rain? Man, your off your rocker! There's not even a cloud in the sky! GO quickly!!! fine, fine, I'm going (okay, that's not likely how it went)that's step five: have some faith!!! And act in it!

Elijah didn't stop there. Besides this incredible act of faith, he bowed down to God. It was an act that symbolized him listening for God. And seeking a sign in which he knew he ccould depart from there. He sends his servant up to see a cloud... something, anything n the sky to indicate rain was coming. He didn't do this once or twice, or three times but seven times! Basically he didn't stop praying/meditating on God until he got the answer he needed. That's our sixth step don't give up on God, for if you do not faint, in due time your reward will come: if you do not give up!

So then after this his servant sees the cloud and elijah up and books it all the way to Jezreel ... which just happened to be 30 miles away. Oh yeah and he also ran faster than the kings chariot and got there before him. Nothing but the power of God could have gotten him there that fast. That's farther than a marathon!! And he was not exactly training for this, nore was he EATING for this. In fact, all he'd been eating was bread!!

So are you in a drought? Are you hardly making it? Try doing what Elijah did. He followed God, repented, prayed for hearts to be turned back to God, got rid of the evil around him (and in your life), acted in faith, didn't give up, continued to act in faith. And then rain finally came. Have you repented? Have you acted in faith? How about throwing all the evil out of your heart/mind/body?

Psalms 55:22 - cast thy burden upon the Lord and he shall sustain you, he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved!!

where's my seed???

I'm guilty of doing things like sowing seed then then next day asking God, where's the fruit??? What is it about our culture that everything has to be instant? Back in the day the wiveswould spend hours upon hours in the kitchen cooking for the day. They would grind up the oats, and seeds, they would have to kneed the bread, let it rise, they would churn their own butter... I'll bet they had really strong arms too! But now? A quick 20 minute run to the store and you can buy sandwiches already made, or the cakes already frosted. Or shoot, look in the freezer pull out a couple tv dinners and 5 minutes later you have... "food". And believe me as a mom of four little kids, I am very grateful for the pre-made meals, that microwave ...I seriously don't know what I would do without it. But when it comes to "seed time, and harvest", well I've heard it put like this: Seed.... Tiiiiiiiiiimmeeeeeee..... ..... .... Harvest. Seeds don't sprout over night, and certainly don't bear fruit over night? And isn't "Gods ways Higher than our ways". I get so impatient sometimes that I think my begging God to hurry up and put fruit on that seed I plantwd is doing more harm than good. (No brainer, I know)
God said that for as long as the earth remained there would be seed time, and harvest! Your harvest will come, but you can't keep pulling your seed out of the ground and wondering why it hasn't sprouted.
Have you ever planted a tree from seed? Those things take years and years to mature and grow fruit, bear crops.... but no seed can grow if you pull the seed out of the ground every couple months. When you plant a seed... be it a word of encouragement, money, food, anything else, don't look around for where your return will be coming from. "God loves a cheerful giver". Not 'God loves it when you give something and expect something in return' no doubt that God loves to bless us. (Ever read prverbs?) He loves to shower us with good things! So stay faithful, run and don't grow weary, for your time will come when God will pour out a blessing so big you don't have room enough to receive it.
In the mean-time test your heart, and proove faithful with what is in your hands! Thank God for His mercy and faithfulness. No matter what you are going through, God has something better planned. Yes that's right! God is faithful what He has promised. His words are truth! I'm not saying we will all be millionairs by the time we are 75, that would be an outright lie... some of you, sure. All? No. I don't think thats Gods plan. But His desire is to see us all in heaven with Him... will you be there?
So lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven where moth and rust won't destroy. You life here is short. A mere 120 years is a blink of an eye compaired to eternity. Invest in your eternity. Invest in your forever, and if the Lord deems fit for you to have a million dollars, then praise him, and give him all the glory. But stop digging up your seed and demanding it to grow. Give it time, and it will bear fruit. Just prepare yourself so you are ready to receive all that the Lord desires to give you. Be faithful with little and you will be given much.
Emerald Palace-my eternal resting place :)

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Something Different

I'm going to do something different. I like to be encouraging and helpful, but rright now I'm just gonna share what's going on.
Four precious children, an amazing supportive husband... and a mountain of unpaid bill's. We live in a two bedroom apartment, we don't live near any family, we live almost 50 miles from our church that we love so much, we don't own a car (yet) in fact we've been driving around in a rental this last week just to get to church work... and wherever else.
Right now, I'm sitting in our rental with four kids playing around, and the rain is coming down... my husband has been dropped off at work and we are sitting in the parkinglot literally waiting to find out if my husband will still have a job at the end of the day. There is a 48 hr shut off notice laying on the floor of my house... and almost no food in the fridge. When I say I have peace about my life and about the circumstances I'm faced with, I mean it. When I say that you can find joy in uncommon places, I'm really talking about myself. And sometimes I need to rmind myself that joy and peace are NOT circumstancial. My husband is the hardest worker I know. He has incredible work ethics that people seem to no longer have these days. His boss set his up, and conspired against him, and has given him a 30 day notice to "fix" the problems that he created for my husband. That was about 40 days ago, and today is the first day he is to be speaking with his boss about his preformance.

I lean on God for every ounce of strength I can get! And believe me, when I stop looking at myself, and stop having pity-parties, when I actually pull myself together and thank god that my husband was protected from severe injury during the car accident that took our only car, I find peace. TOday I was reading the story of the ten lepers that Jesus healed, and how only one came back to thank Him, I was reminded how little these lepers had! They were not allowed in the city because of their disease. How little I feel I have sometimes. But God has given me tremendous blessings! (Four little kids, and a husband... and even a goldfish :)) how dare I complain henHe has given me life!

So every trial we are going through, I am thanking God. And I'm telling you this, not to "toot my own horn" but maybe to show you that we CAN do ALL things through Jesus Christ who gives us strength. And not just that but God has more in store for my family.
I admit, I fail God, I fail my kids and my husband a lot! I get angry, I stress, I yell, I nagg... I want to be perfect, then get mad when I'm not. I can't say that any amount of patience is my own, but I can say that every amount of patience God gives me: my kids, my husband, and I really benefit from it. I have never learned to lean on and trust God so much as I have since I got married and had kids.
I can't do this alone. I can't do this without God, I cant do it without my family and friends who have supported me and loved me through this. Without all that, I wouldn't be able to handle everything that's been thrown at me. I love my Lord, and I love my family who has been a pillar of strength for our family. And I am so thankful for everyone who has loved us and prayed for us dduring all this.
This is just my story... to be soon concluded with an amazing testimony of more of Gods greatness!