an Old poem I wanted to share

In anger I curse and fight against the Pure protection of my Heavenly Father,
I fight back and pull away, I allow myself to fall into sin.
When at last i see the pathetic state that I have put myself in I cry out to His mercy.
Again and again I fall into this place of separation. Why do I let myself walk this road of death?
if I could grasp the Call on my life, if I could see what awaits my obedience,
but i can, I have seen a glimpse of What my Christ has set apart for me to do.
Others.. on one side, Awaiting my obedience... and in my selfish moment I still fall
How many times will My father keep picking me back up? I wish to tell him, I am not worthy!!
I wish I could say, don't pick me up again, I do not deserve your love...
But I know that I am called. I know that I am chosen.
What can I do, what can I say to prove my worth, in this unworthy state?
Again and again, I seek His mercy and Grace,
to lift me from the ashes, the cleanse me from this unholy place.
I wish to say I will not fail, but the words never proceed out of my mouth for fear of not holding my own commitment
I dare not make a promise I might not keep. but it holds me back. Have I done as you have asked my Father?
Did I go when you sent me? sometimes it all seems unclear.
the fog is still holding me back from seeing as I wish. is it really all white and black?
I feel like i live in the gray, somewhere between where I'm meant to be, and where I was.
hope doesn't pull me along as i had wanted.
Joy only holds for a time.
Peace is around me, but I still feel immobilized.
Fear? is that what holds me back? is that why I fail? is that what keeps me down?
if I were fearless I'd fight and win. I'd jump in the icy waters of death to save the lost from their selves
If I were fearless.... Would i know when to stop? would I still sense the pain and sufferings, and their own fears
Would I have compassion for the wounded in my path? or would my fearlessness run them over?
I search so much, and see riddles unexplained. Can I trust a single man to tell me these things?
for what is man? who is perfect? who has the mind of God, Who knows the words of which he spoke before time began?
Can you say your sight into His riddles are un clouded? or do you mask the fog just as I do?
is it fear that clouds my perception? ... one day I'll see His perfect Will... and now I seek again the hand of my father!!!